Learning to Sit with Uncomfortable Emotions
When a difficult feeling like sadness, anger, or fear washes over you, what is your first instinct? For many of us, it’s to push it away, distract ourselves, or find a quick fix. We live in a world that often encourages us to seek immediate comfort. But what if we tried something different? What if we allowed ourselves to simply be with the emotion, without judgment or the need to change it?
This practice is often called “sitting with your emotions.” It can feel strange and even counterintuitive at first. You might be holding so much inside, and the idea of facing it directly can seem overwhelming. Together, let’s gently explore what it means to sit with uncomfortable feelings, why it’s a powerful tool for healing, and how to do it in a way that feels safe and supportive.
What Does It Mean to Sit with Your Emotions?
Sitting with your emotions means allowing yourself to feel them fully, without trying to suppress, ignore, or analyze them. It’s about creating a space for the emotion to exist and be acknowledged. Think of it as inviting a visitor into your home. You don't have to agree with the visitor or let them stay forever, but you can offer them a seat and listen to what they have to say.
This practice involves turning your attention inward with curiosity and kindness. It’s noticing the physical sensations in your body, such as a tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or heat in your face, and connecting them to the feeling you’re experiencing. It is a mindful process of observation, not of getting lost in the story behind the emotion. You are the observer, not the emotion itself. This small shift in perspective can be incredibly empowering.
When Is It Important to Sit with Our Feelings?
Allowing ourselves to feel is a vital part of the human experience. It becomes especially important during certain times in our lives.
During Life Transitions: Major changes like moving, starting a new job, or ending a relationship can bring up a mix of complex feelings. Sitting with these emotions allows you to process the change and move forward with greater clarity.
When You Feel "Stuck": If you find yourself returning to the same emotional patterns or feeling unable to move past a certain issue, it might be a sign that there are unacknowledged feelings that need your attention.
In Moments of Grief or Loss: Grief is not something to be fixed; it’s a process to be moved through. Allowing yourself to feel the pain of loss, in all its forms, is a necessary part of healing.
To Build Emotional Resilience: Just like exercising a muscle, practicing sitting with discomfort builds your capacity to handle life's challenges. You learn that you can survive difficult feelings, which in turn builds confidence and emotional strength.
How Long Should We Sit with an Emotion?
This is a question I hear often, and the answer is gentle and personal: sit with an emotion for as long as it feels productive and safe. There is no magic number. For some, a few minutes of mindful attention is enough to let an emotion reach it’s peak and begin to fall naturally. For others, it might take a bit longer.
The goal isn't to endure pain for the sake of it. Instead, you are giving the emotion enough space to be heard. You’ll know you’ve sat long enough when you feel a subtle shift. This might be a sense of release, a new insight, or simply the feeling that the emotion’s intensity has lessened. It’s about quality of attention, not quantity of time. Trust your inner wisdom to guide you. If it ever feels too overwhelming, it is always okay to take a break and return to it later, perhaps with support.
What About Anxiety? The Exception to the Rule
While sitting with emotions is generally a healthy practice, anxiety often requires a different approach. Anxiety is more than just an emotion; it's a physiological response from your nervous system that can spiral quickly. Sitting with intense anxiety can sometimes make it worse, feeding the cycle of worry and physical symptoms.
When you feel anxiety rising, the focus should shift from sitting with it to actively calming your nervous system. This doesn’t mean ignoring it, but rather responding to your body’s need for safety. You can do this through:
Grounding Techniques: If you notice anxiety building, try bringing your attention to a gentle change in temperature. Hold a cool or warm object, such as a mug of tea or a chilled cloth, and focus on the sensation against your skin. Notice how the temperature feels, does it shift, soothe, or awaken your senses? You might even rinse your hands under cool or warm water, paying close attention to the physical response in your body. Allow the temperature change to anchor you in the moment, nurturing a sense of calm and presence.
Breathing Exercises: Try breathing out a little longer than you breathe in. Inhale gently through your nose for a count of four, then exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of six or eight. This lengthened exhale can signal safety to your body, helping to ease tension and bring a sense of calm.
Gentle Movement: A slow walk or some gentle stretching can help release the anxious energy stored in your body.
In therapy, we can work together to understand where your anxiety comes from and develop tools to manage it, so you can feel more grounded and in control.
Using EMDR Strategies to Increase Distress Tolerance
For many people, sitting with uncomfortable feelings can feel overwhelming or even impossible at times. This is where EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) strategies can make a meaningful difference. In my practice, I use EMDR-based techniques to gently increase your ability to tolerate distress and stay present with difficult emotions, rather than shutting down or feeling engulfed by them.
One helpful strategy is bilateral stimulation, like tapping or gentle eye movements. This approach offers a soothing anchor while you sit with emotions, creating a sense of safety in your body. You might notice that, as you engage in tapping or tracking movement with your eyes, you’re able to observe your feelings with a bit more distance. It’s not about erasing the discomfort, but about nurturing your capacity to be with it in a way that feels manageable.
Another practice we may use together is resourcing. This involves identifying memories, people, or places that bring you a sense of calm or strength, and calling them to mind as supportive “resources” whenever emotions start to feel too intense. Pairing these positive resources with gentle bilateral stimulation helps remind your nervous system that you’re safe in the present moment, even as you process challenging feelings.
Over time, these EMDR strategies help you build a larger window of tolerance for distress. You may find yourself less reactive and more able to pause and choose how to respond to big emotions. Together, we create a supportive environment where you’re empowered to face difficult feelings, knowing you have tools and support to get through them.
How Do I Know When I'm Done? And What's Next?
You’ll know you’ve sat with an emotion long enough when you notice a change in your state. The intense charge may have dissipated, leaving a sense of calm in its place. You might feel a sense of clarity or a feeling of lightness, as if a weight has been lifted. This is a sign that the emotion has been processed.
So, what do you do when you’re done?
Acknowledge Yourself: First, take a moment to thank yourself for having the courage to show up for your feelings. This is not easy work, and it’s worthy of recognition.
Engage in Self-Care: Do something gentle and nurturing. This could be making a cup of tea, listening to calming music, or spending a few moments in nature. This helps your system transition back to a state of balance.
Reflect (If It Feels Right): Sometimes, after the emotional wave has passed, there is a lesson or insight waiting for you. You might ask yourself, "What did that feeling have to tell me?" or "What do I need right now?" There’s no pressure to find a profound answer; just be open to what comes.
Return to Your Day: Gently bring your awareness back to your surroundings and continue with your day, carrying the new sense of peace and understanding with you.
Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions is a journey of self-compassion and discovery. It's about building a trusting relationship with yourself, one where all parts of you are welcome. If this process feels daunting, please know you don’t have to do it alone. In a supportive therapeutic space, we can explore these feelings together, helping you find relief and a deeper connection to your own inner strength.
